It is impossible to overstate the importance of boundaries in the context of mental health. It is difficult to imagine good mental health without making flexible boundaries in various relationships and social contexts. Our psychological resilience is influenced by our capacity to express ourselves authentically in the space we share with others.
Let us start by understanding exactly what boundaries entail.
Defining boundaries
Boundaries might be defined as the “rules or limits that someone establishes to protect their security and wellbeing around others; we identify and express how other people can behave around us so that we feel safe.” These boundaries can vary from culture to culture and from context to context, but they are never rigid and are always flexible. Rigid boundaries can lead to issues like consistently adopting the same roles or behaviors with various people or attempting to uphold a consistent “tough” or “dominant” persona to project invincibility.
In simpler terms, a boundary is like an invisible line that separates us from others, defining our individuality and identity. As a result, a boundary could be thought of as the point at which I make contact with the outside world and attempt to derive meaning from that contact. The development of meaning, a sense of purpose, and awareness of where one thing ends and another begins would be signs of healthy boundaries.
Types of boundaries
Types of boundaries can be categorized into five distinct types, each serving to enhance our understanding of everyday situations where boundary-setting is essential.
1. Physical boundaries: It is about the space around you and how comfortable you are letting others invade or violate your personal space. It is all about proximity, hugging, or other forms of physical contact. Setting physical boundaries is crucial for determining whether or not you feel safe.
2. Emotional boundaries: Often, it has to do with how other people treat us and how they talk to us. This kind of boundary expresses your inner experience clearly. Establishing boundaries for how much time or when you can listen can help you communicate when you feel overwhelmed by the emotions and experiences of others in order to create a safe environment for reflection and sharing your inner experience with others.
3. Mental boundaries refer to personal thought processes. Each person is free to hold their own opinions, values, and beliefs. This type of boundary should promote open-mindedness, respectful discussion and dialogue, and the freedom to express your attitudes.
4. Time and energy boundaries: How much time do you spend with someone or doing something? Setting boundaries for our time and energy is essential to maintaining a healthy balance and preventing burnout.
5. Material boundaries: These boundaries are related to monetary decisions, like giving or lending to others.
What is a healthy boundary?
How would we even imagine a healthy boundary? It should surely include good mental health, a developed identity and autonomy, the avoidance of burnout, and emotional health and well-being. Examples of good boundaries include the following:
Declining or rejecting anything that you do not want to do
Saying “no“ to someone when necessary
The amount of physical space you need
Articulating and expressing your emotions responsibly
Having a say in a relationship and talking about your experiences honestly
Replying in the moment
Saying to someone that communicating in a raised voice is not OK and that the conversation cannot continue until it stops
Addressing the problems directly with the person involved rather than with a third party
Making your expectations clear rather than assuming people will figure them out
We can assume that boundaries are essential for preserving one’s psychological well-being. For example, establishing boundaries at work starts with the interview, when a potential employee asks about behaviors they can or cannot accept, like excessive workload, long hours, and remote working arrangements. Being clear about your boundaries and communicating about them directly at work (e.g., making sure that other people know when you are available) might be crucial in preventing future burnouts and promoting mental health.
While beneficial habits like mindfulness can significantly improve your subjective quality of life and overall well-being, they are not miracle cures that can solve all of your problems. If you just start meditating for 20 minutes every morning, it is not realistic to expect magic solutions to all of your problems. However, a steady mindfulness practice plays a vital role in boundary-setting because practitioners are more aware of their thoughts and emotions in challenging situations. Because they are adaptable enough to successfully negotiate with others to uphold their rights, they are more likely to behave assertively when faced with challenging circumstances.
Tips for setting boundaries
Life is too complicated to be reduced to a handful of straightforward rules. But there are some good practices and suggestions, along with behavioral principles, that can help us a lot in establishing clear boundaries and safeguarding your mental health.
1. Be honest and authentic. Reflect on your actions and behaviors with honesty. A useful question would be “Why am I doing this exactly?” or “What is the real reason for my behavior?” You might be shocked to learn that your pursuit of a job promotion is not an effort to better yourself or advance personally, but rather a means of escaping the profound emptiness and lack of meaning you feel at your current job. To face your fears requires a lot of courage, but it is well worth it. But by doing so, you might be able to avoid making poor choices and straying from your life’s purpose.
2. Align with your core values. Despite the fact that we all have core values, we are frequently not aware of them. We deeply and genuinely value them as personal decisions, but we frequently forget about them and act in ways that are inconsistent with them. Your life will be more authentic if you live according to your values. Living that way does not guarantee that unpleasant or negative feelings and thoughts will just vanish. It implies that you will experience the full range of your emotions, both positive and negative, and live a more fulfilling life. And when someone tries to make you do something that you find to be contrary to your values, you will have more audacity and fortitude to say ‘no’ to them.
3. Try to articulate and verbalize your limits. Learn to acknowledge your feelings and recognize your needs, whether they are mental, emotional, or physical. By being in touch with your inner self, you can more effectively articulate and communicate your boundaries to others.
4. Be consistent, clear, and simple. When you set a boundary, consistency is key. While firm, your approach need not be rigid. Clearly express what is acceptable and what is not, and reiterate your boundaries if necessary. For instance, it is crucial to reiterate your request if the other person keeps raising their voice after you have already stated that it is not appropriate to do so. But if the person in question continues to do the same thing, kindly reaffirm your boundary and be willing to remove yourself from the situation. You have the right to establish boundaries while protecting your own mental health in a gentle yet firm manner.
5. Use ‘I’ statements. Communicate your emotions and needs using ‘I’ statements. You can concentrate on your feelings using this strategy rather than spending too much time worrying about how other people will respond. You can use the following example: ‘’I feel _____ when _____ because _____. What I need is _____________.’’
Conclusion
Setting boundaries is not easy. To get past all the barriers to change, it takes a lot of time and energy. If you are committed, you will improve steadily over time, just like with any practice. Setting boundaries in a compassionate yet assertive manner allows you to protect your mental health and create connections with those around you.
However, because the old behavioral patterns typically go hand in hand with some sort of identity, people frequently show resistance to change when they first start doing so. As an illustration, a woman who was raised to be a “good girl” (respect adults, never voice concerns, suppress and be unable to identify her own needs, always be “quiet” and not “bother adults with requests”) would be more likely to exhibit people-pleasing behavior as an adult. Such individuals may face difficulties when trying to assert themselves against aggressive behavior from others, leading to constant feelings of guilt when articulating their needs and standing by them. In these situations, therapy involves dealing with these problems, re-creating their adult identity, and making behavioral adjustments.
In the therapeutic setting, clients are frequently impatient and annoyed with the process of change. Tolerance of failure and the willingness to put in the time are prerequisites for any significant change in their core structure once they become aware of the reasons why they have not established boundaries. Practicing patience becomes as important as the skill of setting boundaries. Insight alone is often insufficient; it is the combination of practice and perseverance that yields substantial results in boundary establishment and personal growth.
Vladimir Mušicki, PhD 